@champagnesupernova I understand your apprehension! The instructions assumed a level of geekery I don't have. However, I finally managed to figure out what to do, so here's my simplified version (to be fair, once I worked out how to actually run evernote-backup, the instructions were mostly clear):
Download using the 'Portable binary' link and extract the evernote-backup .exe file (put it in a folder where you can find it easily)
Open a Command prompt (type CMD in the Windows search bar to find it)
Go to the evernote-backup folder by typing CD [name of folder] : for example, cd C:\Users\pohan.000\evernote-backup
Type the command evernote-backup init-db and enter your Evernote username (or email) and password when prompted (NB: the password will not display on screen. I suggest copying it from a password manager and pasting it in. Take care not to paste it more than once! 😒]
After you've entered your password, you'll get several lines confirming authorisation.
Next, enter the command evernote-backup sync. Your notes will start syncing into a database. This might take a while if you have tens of thousands of notes.
When it's finished, you can export the data, in the default .enex format, using the command evernote-backup export followed by the path to the folder: for example, evernote-backup export D:/Evernote export
I got a couple of error messages partway through the sync stage, but one of the great things about evernote-backup, unlike Evernote, is that it will resume where it left off rather than starting again from scratch.
Hope that helps!